Wuh tuh eff? Snake?!

I found this snake while I was cleaning about my room today. I would like to echo my title and say again, "Wuh tuh eff?"

I already have an anxiety about having my feet on the floor; I don't like thinking about what might be down there outside my range of vision. I do not appreciate your invasion, Señor Serpiente.

I commend myself on my wilderness/survival skills at catching this bad mammajamma. You may now refer to me as Jeremiah Johnson. My wardrobe shall consist of nothing but leathers and furs (all of which I killed myself), and I shall smell strongly of musk, the scent of Man.

I'll own that I am afraid of snakes. They creep me out. There is not enough to them. A spine and organs does not an animal make. I tried to figure out what kind of snake it was but to no avail. Any herpetologists out there?

But on an impulse I don't understand, I don't want to just let this snake go outside. In a weird way I want to tame it and teach it the ways of humankind. It could be my friend and ambassador to the Animal Kingdom.

I can do that without touching it, right?